為什么你和另一半的家人處不來

"My boyfriend's mom doesn't understand that just because I'm the same age as her kids, I am not her kid," says Vanessa, a Miami-based yoga instructor. "She has very strong opinions, and unfortunately she cannot keep them to herself. She has no problem making comments about my finances, my struggles with mental health, or what I'm eating. She'll make fun of me if I turn down a drink, saying I'm obsessed with being thin, when really it's because alcohol messes with my antidepressants! I find it so intrusive and out of line."

"我男朋友的媽媽并不理解這一點(diǎn)：僅僅因?yàn)槲液退暮⒆油g，并不意味著我就是她的孩子呀，"邁阿密的瑜伽教練瓦內(nèi)莎說道。"她固執(zhí)已見，但不幸的是，她無法將這些想法藏在心底。她總是評論我的財(cái)務(wù)狀況、我與精神健康的斗爭或者我在吃什么。如果我拒絕飲酒，她便取笑我，說我癡迷于變瘦，但實(shí)際情況確是酒精會干擾我的抗抑郁藥藥效！我覺得這一點(diǎn)十分冒犯我，太過線了。"

Vanessa isn't the only one with a less-than-perfect relationship with her significant other's family. Julie, a physical therapist in California, has run into cultural differences with her fiancé's relatives. "On the one hand, they are very caring and generous people. On the other hand, they come from a very different, very traditional religious background, so their worldviews, perspectives, and opinions differ from mine," she says. "Because I see them infrequently, I haven't made it a priority to speak up. I normally retreat and act polite, and don't express myself like I would if I were with friends or my own family, which probably prevents us from being truly close."

與另一半家庭相處不融洽的并非只有瓦內(nèi)莎一人。加州物理治療師朱莉與她未婚夫的親戚存在文化差異。"一方面，他們善解人意、十分慷慨。另一半方面，他們有著非常不同的傳統(tǒng)宗教背景，所以他們的世界觀、觀點(diǎn)和想法都和我存在差異，"她說道。"因?yàn)槲液退麄儾怀Ｒ?，所以我沒把它當(dāng)一回事兒。通常我都會退縮、表現(xiàn)得十分禮貌，表達(dá)自己的方式也和在家人或朋友面前不一樣，也許正因如此，我們才沒有那么親密吧。"

According to Megan Fleming, PhD, a New York City-based relationship therapist, it's common to have a challenging relationship with your partner's extended family. "We all have an ideal of what we imagine it should be like to grow our family and we hope that our in-laws will offer support and have our back," she says. "But for many reasons, that doesn't always happen."

紐約市情感治療師梅根·弗萊明博士表示，與另一半的大家庭相處時(shí)具有挑戰(zhàn)性是很常見的。"關(guān)于如何發(fā)展我們的家庭，我們都是有理想狀態(tài)的，我們希望我們的公婆能提供支持，"她說道。"但是由于各種原因，這種情況并不常見。"

Because no one wants to go through life dreading holidays and get-togethers, we asked Fleming to give us advice on the best ways to handle fraught relationships with your partner's parents (or siblings or cousins or grandparents). Read on for the most common problems people face, plus how to handle each one.

因?yàn)闆]有人愿意一生在令人恐懼的節(jié)假日和聚會中度過，所以我們請弗萊明提供一些與另一半父母（或兄弟姐妹、堂兄堂妹或祖父母）相處的最佳方式。繼續(xù)讀下去，看看人們經(jīng)常會遇到哪些問題，以及如何處理這些問題。

The problem: They're intrusive

問題：他們總是打擾我們

Some family members just don't respect boundaries. "They may think they can drop by your place unannounced or expect that you two are going to spend your vacation time with them," says Fleming. "They might even be pretending to be generous, but it can feel like an expectation rather than a friendly invitation."

有些家庭成員就是不尊重界限。"他們可能認(rèn)為可以在不打招呼的情況下到訪你們的住處，或期待你們的假期和他們一起度過，"弗萊明說道。"他們甚至可能假裝大方，但卻給人一種期盼而非友好邀請的感覺。"

"My boyfriend's mom doesn't understand that just because I'm the same age as her kids, I am not her kid," says Vanessa, a Miami-based yoga instructor. "She has very strong opinions, and unfortunately she cannot keep them to herself. She has no problem making comments about my finances, my struggles with mental health, or what I'm eating. She'll make fun of me if I turn down a drink, saying I'm obsessed with being thin, when really it's because alcohol messes with my antidepressants! I find it so intrusive and out of line."

"我男朋友的媽媽并不理解這一點(diǎn)：僅僅因?yàn)槲液退暮⒆油g，并不意味著我就是她的孩子呀，"邁阿密的瑜伽教練瓦內(nèi)莎說道。"她固執(zhí)已見，但不幸的是，她無法將這些想法藏在心底。她總是評論我的財(cái)務(wù)狀況、我與精神健康的斗爭或者我在吃什么。如果我拒絕飲酒，她便取笑我，說我癡迷于變瘦，但實(shí)際情況確是酒精會干擾我的抗抑郁藥藥效！我覺得這一點(diǎn)十分冒犯我，太過線了。"

Vanessa isn't the only one with a less-than-perfect relationship with her significant other's family. Julie, a physical therapist in California, has run into cultural differences with her fiancé's relatives. "On the one hand, they are very caring and generous people. On the other hand, they come from a very different, very traditional religious background, so their worldviews, perspectives, and opinions differ from mine," she says. "Because I see them infrequently, I haven't made it a priority to speak up. I normally retreat and act polite, and don't express myself like I would if I were with friends or my own family, which probably prevents us from being truly close."

與另一半家庭相處不融洽的并非只有瓦內(nèi)莎一人。加州物理治療師朱莉與她未婚夫的親戚存在文化差異。"一方面，他們善解人意、十分慷慨。另一半方面，他們有著非常不同的傳統(tǒng)宗教背景，所以他們的世界觀、觀點(diǎn)和想法都和我存在差異，"她說道。"因?yàn)槲液退麄儾怀Ｒ?，所以我沒把它當(dāng)一回事兒。通常我都會退縮、表現(xiàn)得十分禮貌，表達(dá)自己的方式也和在家人或朋友面前不一樣，也許正因如此，我們才沒有那么親密吧。"

According to Megan Fleming, PhD, a New York City-based relationship therapist, it's common to have a challenging relationship with your partner's extended family. "We all have an ideal of what we imagine it should be like to grow our family and we hope that our in-laws will offer support and have our back," she says. "But for many reasons, that doesn't always happen."

紐約市情感治療師梅根·弗萊明博士表示，與另一半的大家庭相處時(shí)具有挑戰(zhàn)性是很常見的。"關(guān)于如何發(fā)展我們的家庭，我們都是有理想狀態(tài)的，我們希望我們的公婆能提供支持，"她說道。"但是由于各種原因，這種情況并不常見。"

Because no one wants to go through life dreading holidays and get-togethers, we asked Fleming to give us advice on the best ways to handle fraught relationships with your partner's parents (or siblings or cousins or grandparents). Read on for the most common problems people face, plus how to handle each one.

因?yàn)闆]有人愿意一生在令人恐懼的節(jié)假日和聚會中度過，所以我們請弗萊明提供一些與另一半父母（或兄弟姐妹、堂兄堂妹或祖父母）相處的最佳方式。繼續(xù)讀下去，看看人們經(jīng)常會遇到哪些問題，以及如何處理這些問題。

The problem: They're intrusive

問題：他們總是打擾我們

Some family members just don't respect boundaries. "They may think they can drop by your place unannounced or expect that you two are going to spend your vacation time with them," says Fleming. "They might even be pretending to be generous, but it can feel like an expectation rather than a friendly invitation."

有些家庭成員就是不尊重界限。"他們可能認(rèn)為可以在不打招呼的情況下到訪你們的住處，或期待你們的假期和他們一起度過，"弗萊明說道。"他們甚至可能假裝大方，但卻給人一種期盼而非友好邀請的感覺。"